Lessons Learned in My Grief

As some of you may know, my son died last summer and my life froze. It froze in to an existence of trying to figure out how to navigate the world with out part of me here. I have four amazing children and to lose one is to lose part of my heart and soul. That knee jerk reaction is to jump off a cliff to stop the pain, but the afterthought of that thought is that I'll harm my other kids and I don't have a cell in my body capable of purposely ever harming them....so the cliff idea was thrown out.

Without the cliff idea being viable, my next option was to cry, scream, sleep, eat, and eventually fall in to a routine of going to work and going home...occasionally going out with kids or family to remind myself that there was a life out there, I just had to survive long enough to want to reach out for it. 

Grief looks like many things...it's gaining weight because you don't want to leave your home, it's dust bunnies under the furniture because no one comes over so you don't care (and you don't want anyone coming over anyway), it's pushing back sweet memories because the awful ones often follow, it's that awkward awful moment you tell someone about your child and they shudder in horror thinking that kind of tragedy is hitting too close to home., it's the hundreds of times a day some small thing reminds you of the child you lost and you go back a step, it's the tears you hold back when you are around your other children because you want to be the strong one for them. 

Grief is thousands of other things as well - too many to mention. Buried in that grief are lessons learned - that if you survive long enough, you start to see......here are the one's I've learned so far. 

1. People that love you WILL listen if you tell them....anything
2. Crying will not kill you, neither will a broken heart or soul, it will feel like it but you will get to the other side
3. The other side does not mean you feel less of a loss, or love your lost child any less, it means you are finding a new normal without a piece of you
4. That new normal is like having a phantom limb, it's not there but it's always there...my son is there with me in a thousand ways every day
5. Some things you ignore in your grief get screwed up....like my domain for my blog...it expired and I lost it and had to come up with a new one...but it was fixable and is even better (Thank you GoDaddy)
6. Getting up and getting dressed is a step forward every time you do it (and drink a glass of water)
7. Those who haven't lost a child can't really get your pain but they can care and have empathy - don't discount people willing to reach out and support you. Just because they haven't had your loss doesn't mean they are any less a part of your new normal
8. There will be good days and absolutely horrible days, days where you relive the really bad parts. Gradually the good days will out number the bad, and you will wake up feeling like a human who can smile without guilt
9. When someone says they are sorry for your loss, accept that. Often the only thing people can do is apologize because words fail the loss of a child. They aren't being thoughtless, they are offering what they have to give
10. No one needs to understand your journey to have compassion for it, but surround yourself with people who give you the space to make that journey without questioning what it looks like
11. The profound loss of a child gives you crystal clarity about what is really important and what is really precious in this world. That has been the one gift in losing my son, the clarity

My lessons may not be your lessons, but maybe some of them will be helpful. Just believing things will get better, will bring positive energy to your life and will help...believing costs no energy, it's a turn of a thought in a positive direction. It is possibility.

Quit Loving Your Fears

Make a list of the fears that have followed you your whole life, that you have fed, justified, nurtured, even honored-all for the sake of staying safe, protecting yourself from hurt and loneliness. Now, challenge the reality of those fears every single day. Do it dispassionately as if you are doing it for a dear friend-not yourself. Do it until you kill those fears and leave them behind in the dust and you burst forth in a blaze of glory and light. J Thomas

What are Your Core Values? Everyone should know what they are!

Core Values are the infrastructure to who we are as humans—the brick and mortar of our characters and personality.  Think of your core values as the framing on a house, the framing holds the house up and keeps it solid and together.  We all have many values we hold highly but some are so important they guide and dictate the very steps we take every day. Core Values motivate our conscious and unconscious actions.  Identifying your core values can help clarify your dreams, fears, goals , and what you value most in life.  In order to strengthen resiliency in life one must know what his or her core values are. Core values are not:

-Competencies

-Strategies

-Norms

-Operating Practices

Core values should be in practice every day.  Core values connect you with the outer-world; help you pick and choose relationships to invest your time and emotions in.  Core values help you manage your finances, relationships,  and daily life. Think of core values as the tracks on a railway that keep your life in line with your beliefs.  Core values require no justification, as they are ‘part of who you are’.

If you are curious as to what your core values are you can download the list of core values here.  After you have the list, circle 12 values you hold most dear.  Now cross out 3 of them, after you do that, cross out another 3.  Are you mad at me yet?  You need to cross out another 3.  The resulting 3 core values you have remaining are probably your core values you hold most dear.  Take a look closely at the remaining 3 values.  Do they align with your family life, your interpersonal life with a partner, your professional life and conduct?  Record your core values in your TN and write something about each one and how you have seen common threads in your life where your core values played out.  Be proud of the effort you have taken to identify them and know that they are your 'silent partners' in life, guiding you as you move through each moment of your day.

Are They going to add the Word Syndrome after Your Name?

Excess stress, burnout, overworking, suffering for others at work is NOT heroic, it is self-destructive. Martyring yourself can be tied in to that feeling that you never do enough, give enough, try enough or are enough so you must do more.

You may be trying to save your corner of the world, take responsibility for others failings, feel no one can do ‘it’ as well as you.  Your self-worth is tied to your accomplishments, few people know who you really are or what you really want.

Few, if any, ever know when you are truly hurt or profoundly upset.  Do not re-create your own personal tragedy every day.  Do not see this self-martyring as a badge of honor but as abusive and damaging.  You do not want a syndrome named after you.  Once you let go of this drive to over-do, you will accomplish much more meaningful things in your life.

Spend some time writing in your TN about whether you are wearing your stress, etc. as a badge of honor, or your self esteem is tied in to over-doing it to give meaning to your life.  Contemplate what the drive is behind over-doing it and if, everything that you are doing is truly feeding your heart and soul.  Start keeping things on your to-do list that are purpose, heart driven and give you soul satisfaction instead.

The Burden Basket

The metaphor of the burden basket is based on basket is based on actual baskets Native American women would sling across their shoulders, thus leaving their hands free to work as they collected food, wood and other things for their daily subsistence.  At the end of the chores the basket was left at the entry to the home.  Visitors, upon entry, were expected to leave their burdens and troubles in the basket so the visit was pleasant and happy. Using a burden basket gives you a physical place to write your burdens, troubles and difficult thoughts down.  At the end of a designated period of time of your choice, you can burn the burdens or toss them out to sea to be carried away.

The original burden basket was made of Cedar bark, split and woven in shape of a vessel.  The Cedar tree, to some Native Americans, is the tree known to absorb tears, shouts of pain, anger and sorrows.  The Cedar tree is also symbolic in healing, cleansing and protection rituals.

What do You say to Yourself You would Never let Anyone else to Say to You?

I often encounter people in the course of my work who tell me “I am my own worst enemy”. It is so easy for us to believe the worst about ourselves, to put ourselves down, to litter our days’ thoughts with negative self talk.  Somewhere in our past we’ve been delivered the message that to say positive, uplifting things about ourselves is to be stuck up, arrogant, self involved, and egotistical. Of course there is a balance when it comes to being self-centered.  I would like to take back that phrase and remove the negativity associated with it.  When we hear ‘self-centered’ we think of someone vain or arrogant, who thinks they are better than everyone else.  I would like to use the phrase to mean that someone is balanced in his or her life, knows their place in the world, what their passionate work should be and is able to stay in the here-and-now to live life to the fullest.

I think the actual dynamic that is taking place when we put ourselves down is threefold.  First, we can make a negative statement with the hope ‘it won’t get worse than this’, second, if we say it out loud, someone will disagree, say something positive about us to contradict the negative thing we said, and third, we can stay comfortable in self-doubt and keep ourselves from stepping out of our comfort zone.  What are some negative self-talk statements you make?  Take some time to write them in your TN and then contradict them with positive statements.  Work on switching the negatives to the positives!  It will take time and consistency for it to become a habit but it can.

Synergy, serendipity, kismet.....

I love examples of the universe conspiring to make things happen...I thought I would share with you a few that I use as examples in my class when I am talking about following your heart.... At age 35, Harrison Ford was fitting a door for Francis Ford Coppola when a studio executive asked him to take a break and read lines with actresses who were testing for a new film. The film was Star Wars.

Richard Sears was employed as a freight processor.  He bought a shipment of watches that were unclaimed and began selling them up and down the railroad line.  He then began collaborating with Alvah Roebuck, watch repairer…

Eleanor Wilder started writing in 1979 when she was housebound with her two sons as a result of a blizzard.  She never went to college. Her books sell at a rate of 12 an hour, 24/7.  You know her as Nora Roberts

Cyrus McCormick family invented a horse drawn reaper.  Spent 9 years trying to convince farmers to try it .  He went bankrupt in 1837. Sold 1 reaper 2 years later.  Sold 50 4 years later, then advertised it with guarantees and testimonials.  He sold 1000 6 years later. At a World Expo he demonstrated it and harvested 74 yards of wheat in 70 sec. 33 years after starting he made 10 million dollars and started International Harvester .

Wilson “Snowflake” Bentley grew up in Vermont. He was fascinated by snow and studied flakes on a black cloth, others thought he was very strange. His parents were poor farmers. Got his parents to get him a microscope and then a camera he could attach to it.  He invented photomicrography and came up with the theory that no two snowflakes are alike. In his life he documented over 5000 flakes – no two alike.

Brenda Dayne was a life long knitter.  She loved her hobby so much she started the podcast “Cast On”. The podcast was a hobby as well.  Her podcasts are now funded by the government of Great Britain!

What do You say to Yourself You would Never let Anyone else to Say to You? (Negative Self Talk)

I often encounter people in the course of my work who tell me “I am my own worst enemy” and I believe it. It is so easy for us to believe the worst about ourselves, to put ourselves down, to litter our days’ thoughts with negative self talk.  Somewhere in our past we’ve been delivered the message that to say positive, uplifting things about ourselves is to be stuck up, arrogant, self involved, and egotistical. Of course there is a balance when it comes to being self-centered.  I would like to take back that phrase and remove the negativity associated with it.  When we hear ‘self-centered’ we think of someone vain or arrogant, who thinks they are better than everyone else.  I would like to use the phrase to mean that someone is balanced in his or her life, knows their place in the world, what their passionate work should be and is able to stay in the here-and-now to live life to the fullest.

I think the actual dynamic that is taking place when we put ourselves down is threefold.  First, we can make a negative statement with the hope ‘it won’t get worse than this’, second, if we say it out loud, someone will disagree, say something positive about us to contradict the negative thing we said, and third, we can stay comfortable in self-doubt and keep ourselves from stepping out of our comfort zone.

Take some quiet time and, in your notebook, list some negative things you say about yourself that would hurt you deeply if someone else you love said to you.  Now go back and think on these things, think on why it would hurt if someone who loves you said these things to you.  Now remember, your first duty in life is to love and cherish yourself as the sacred, miracle you are.  Why would you allow yourself to hurt your psyche by saying these things to yourself?  Go back to your notebook, re-write those negative statements in to positive ones and re-read them every day remembering you wouldn't let anyone else say those things to you so you won't anymore either.

Feelings, my friends, are not Facts...

When I first realized this many years ago, I was quite shocked by the truth of the statement.  As human beings, it is our job to assign emotion to everything and everyone in life.  The connection of emotion is what makes us human.  Our emotions filter our interpretation of truth and fact.  If I was to say:  the sun was a bright pinky-yellow this morning as it rose, many of you would conjure some type of emotion associated with a past sunrise that you encountered, thus your interpretation of past sunrises is painted with your version of the truth of those sunrises. It’s pretty harmless to have your own filtered version of a sunrise, however, where we can get in to trouble is when we take life affecting moments, immersed in emotion, and consider our emotions around those moments’ facts.  It is easy to get in a cycle of over-thinking about a person, event, or issue when there are a lot of conflicting or overpowering emotions involved.  We get sucked in to thinking our reality-filtered by our emotions-is fact.  Our reality is not necessarily the reality we should be taking in to account.  Our emotions tug us in the direction of a heart’s desire or a financial need or a family burden.  The need or want attached to those things give us a distorted version of what is.  Our minds trick us in to thinking the feeling-filtered perception is fact because that is easiest to believe.  Face it, as humans we are very attached to our feelings and we are all, to a degree, egocentric.  “My ideas, ways of doing things, beliefs are the best…”  If we didn’t buy in to our own beliefs and patterns we would be wrecks.

What do you do then, when you may be in a cycle of over-thinking or uncertainty over some emotionally charged issue?  You aren't sure what is fact and what is your emotion-induced fiction, swaying you in the direction of your heart?  You journal.  Get out your Traveler Notebook and start writing down the emotions you are feeling, the raw facts you know for sure, your perceptions of the facts, and any feedback you might garner from close associates.  Add it all up, sum up the information, write from a third person perspective, dispassionately with  neutral observations, then take a step back.  Leave it, walk away, let the thoughts settle.  Ponder them on a long walk, over a hot cup of tea, remember to believe in your own best self and return to your written words.  You will, I promise, have gained a perspective.  Write it down, the unfiltered perceptions and why your emotions tugged at you so much.  Remember however, even though feelings are not facts, they are what make us gloriously human, so beautiful and fragile, and each emotion is worth feeling and savoring.

Achieving Your Dream...Oseola Style, Part 2

If you are reading this, hopefully you have done the exercises in Part 1 of this series because we are going to use those steps now.  The very first thing I asked you to do was write your goal down or your dream…that thing you want to do, that your heart is aching for you to do, it’s that thing that if you get to do it, you will never feel like you have to work another day in your life because you love doing it so much.  If you aren’t sure what that is then here is a simple exercise you can do to figure it out.  Go back through your life and find the things you were most passionate about doing, those things that fed your soul, that made you lose track of time, that have been a consistent theme in your life.  List those things in your Goal section.

So once you have that goal or dream clearly identified go back through the steps to your goal I asked you to write down in no particular order, your brainstorming for your goal.  Now I want you to spend some time putting them in order.  After you put them in order, you need to fill in between those steps the steps you left out.  This needs to be very detailed, a blueprint or map if you will of your heart’s desire.  Every little step, the minutia of your dream, because each day from now on, you are going to spend a minimum of 15 minutes on your dream and these steps will guide you in doing that.

Now remember I also asked you to make a list of “Why I Shouldn’t”?  This list is VERY important so if you haven’t done it yet, stop reading this, sit down in a quiet place and make that list.  If you have done that list, let’s talk about it.  It is well known that as humans, it is much easier for us to believe the negative about ourselves than the positive.  It is also true that if we have people in our lives who don’t necessarily support our dream, they will give us negative messages to try and dissuade us from pursuing them.  That desire to dissuade us is usually from a place of “don’t leave me behind” or “don’t do better than me otherwise I’ll look bad or feel bad…”  I can tell you right now, right up front you are not going to change their feelings about your endeavor.  Only they can change their feelings.  We have no control over others feelings or thoughts.  All you can do is be true to yourself and stay positive and upbeat.

Regarding the list of ‘shouldn’ts’ I want you, over the next few days to take each one of them, and new ones as you remember or think of them, and respond positively to each one.  Write a positive counterpoint to the negative.  This might seem difficult, maybe impossible but it is vital to your success because those negatives will pop up over and over again and you want to be able to refer back to your excellent list and counter them. Please be very complete and when you draw a blank responding to the negative, just give it some time, don’t rush it.

I know all of this might seem very unnecessary to starting on your goal or dream but buildings are not built without a blueprint and nothing that stands the test of time is just thrown together.  You will be happy you did all this work.  Work on these tasks a little every single day.  Our next part to your dream building will be starting to put all the pieces together….Oseola style.

Pocket Therapy

Just thought I would share a little technique I share with class participants that helps people refocus when they are caught in a cycle of obsessing about something or they know they have a 'button' that gets pushed.  "Pocket Therapy" is a loose term, obviously it is NOT therapy but it is fun and mine has actually worked for me the couple times that I have pulled it out and looked at it. The idea is simple, take a small matchbox of some sort.  You can decorate your matchbox any way you like.  On the front you are going to put the word or action that you get stuck in a cycle in....see my pictures of mine.  On the inside you are going to write your 'therapy'...your quote, your thought that gets you to stop and refocus your mind.  I also put a quote on the back of my box that was relevant to my issue - which is over-thinking something.  I keep my box in my bag that I carry every day to and from work.  Will it 'cure' a big issue or solve all your problems?  Of course not, but sometimes all we need is a little reminder that our thoughts are not facts and refocusing can be a simple step to finding inner balance again.

Oseola McCarty and Achieving Your Goal in Your Traveler Notebook, Part 1

Not very many people know about Oseola.  She was born in 1908.  Her family was poor.  When Oseola was in sixth grade her aunt became very ill and needed home care.  Since the aunt had no children of her own Oseola quit school and took care of her.  She never returned to school.  She later became a washerwoman, washing clothes for the people in her town. Oseola took her pay and gave 1 dime to her church, 1 dime to each of her three relatives, and set aside in a savings account, 6 dimes to the University of Southern Mississippi.  Oseola worked as a washerwoman her whole life, retiring in 1994 because of arthritis.  In July 1995 it was announced that Oseola had established a trust for Southern Miss in the amount of $150,000. She accrued this money by slowly, painstakingly saving little amounts of money out of every dollar she took in.

This isn't a lesson about financial management or savings, this is a lesson about never giving up, never losing sight of that goal.  Sometimes a goal can be accomplished in days, weeks, months and sometimes that goal will take years to come to fruition.  There are other lessons here about how giving helps you get, a lesson about how putting others first means you receive far more than you will ever extend as well....

Oseola's gift was earmarked for kids who were disadvantaged and could not afford college.  She is still giving long after she died.  I've been teaching Oseola's life lesson since 1997 in my Joy Is A Choice classes for women in mid-life changes who want to take their lives in a 180 direction.  I tell them if Oseola can give .60 cents at a time and create a trust, they can take a goal and by committing a little energy every day to that goal, accomplish great things.  Mark Twain said most people miss success because it is dressed up in hard work...and he is right.  That consistent, constant effort is what makes the difference in the end, just look at Oseola when you doubt that.

If you have a goal...whatever it is...take a blank insert, a very lovely, special one in your Traveler Notebook.  Find a label, put it on the front with the title of your goal.  Inside, put a header titled:  Goal, in a couple pages, Steps to Goal,  in a few more pages, Brainstorm,  in a four or five pages, Why I shouldn't (Yes, I said shouldn't).  Then spend some quiet time writing your goal on the first page.  As you think of other components or dynamics to your goal record them.  After you write out the goal, start listing the steps you need to take to achieve it in the next section. The steps do not need to be in any order at all...they will be re-arranged later...leave room for other steps you think of later on...keep your notebook with you, with pen, because thoughts about your goal are going to pop up at the most random time and I want you to write those very random thoughts in the brainstorm section, additional steps in the appropriate section and ANY negatives that pop up in the 'why you shouldn't' section.  Some of those thoughts will later be re-organized in to coming sections.  Then, when you have more quiet time, I want you to write in the 'why I shouldn't' section every thought you've ever had as to why you cannot go forth with your goal....maybe financial reasons, logistical, space, people, whatever the reason, write them down...this isn't the place to argue with those reasons or challenge them, simply record them.  These can also be negatives others have said to you about your goal.  Don't move on to any other steps until Goals, Steps and Shouldn't are completely exhausted and filled in....Next week, we will talk about what comes next.  I can tell you this process, if you are faithful to it, is going to result in some amazing things happening in your life.  Keep watching for Part 2 in Achieving Your Goal, Oseola Style.

Don't Worry, Be Happy....Part 1 of the Symptoms of Stress

Are you a worrier?  That is a question I ask participants in my classes.  Inevitably many slowly raise their hands, some blurt out, "Oh Yes!" "Are you kidding?" "Lifelong worrier."  Worrying in this day and age almost seems to be a requirement in order to get through the day, and often, we worry without even realizing we are.  Worry is one of the symptoms of stress and is also one of the most destructive.  I am going to take apart what worry is, why we worry, and what you can do...in your Traveler's Notebook, to begin to stop worrying. First of all, did you know, via a study done of worriers, that 40% of what we worry about WILL NEVER HAPPEN.  Yes, 40%.  Almost half of what you worry about is never going to happen. Next, 30% of what you worry about IS IN THE PAST.  So let's talk about that 30%...

If I were to ask you, dear reader, to tell me about your life, you would probably start with where you were born and go on to where you lived, who your parents are etc.  To me, your life story would be a litany of facts, to you, your life is filled with vibrant experiences, emotions, passion, fear, anger, joy, love, maybe hate....all different emotions.  As humans we assign emotions to the experiences of our lives.  When I was in sixth grade we had to do a science experiment in class in front of everyone.  My experiment was to show the class where the coldest part of a flame was.  I mis-read the experiment and suffice it to say I lit the carpet on fire.  I look back on that day with a smile, warm feelings about my sweet teacher and curiosity about what experiment I actually read and where it went wrong.  If I had assigned shame or jealousy or anger or fear or guilt to that day I would probably still be worried about it.  When we have negative feelings attached to past experiences...those are the ones that pop up in our worry book.  Those are the ones we think about over and over again, wishing we could change them, do something different, change the course, we can't....so remember that 30%, we will come back to it.

12% of what you worry about are medical concerns that won't come to fruition.  You wake up with an ache or a pain and think you are sick, your eye twitches and you are worried you have some thing wrong with it.  If you have a concern, go to the Dr, don't worry over it, fraught with fear that something is wrong.

10% of what we worry about consists of petty, miscellaneous details of our lives that do not warrant worry at all.  If we were to tell our friends about these they may scoff and ask why we are letting such things take up our time.

8% of what we worry about are valid issues or concerns that are current in your life.  They are active situations, people you are close to, projects at work....they have a legitimate place in your active thoughts!

So here is your Traveler's Notebook assignment if you are a worrier:  First, start keeping a log of the things you worry about for the next four days.  When you notice a pervasive thought about something, write it down, don't analyze it, just record it and move on.  Second, at the end of the four days, I want you to take some quite time to sit and look at your list.  I want you to look at each item you wrote down and address the following:

1.  Is this worry in the past, a medical issue, work related, related to a interpersonal relationship or a petty detail?

2.  After you identify what it is, take a page and write about the worry, all of its components - emotions, people involved, events that took place, when they took place and the outcome.

3.  If this is a past event with negative emotions tied to it, why?  What are those emotions, what do you wish had happened that didn't?  How did things work out?  How do you wish your part in the event was different?  Is that valid?  Can you talk to others involved in it and get their perceptions of your involvement?  If not, journal about why you feel what you feel about the event and how can you change those feelings you've assigned to the event.

4.  If this is a medical issue, why are you so concerned?  Are you looking things up on the internet and scaring yourself?  When can you go to the Doctor and address the issue?  Why don't you?

5.  If this is a current, valid concern what are your action steps to address it so you can be proactive and quit worrying about it?

Worry is something that becomes a habit.  People who worry as a habit rely on it to give them the illusion that they are doing something when they really are just making themselves sick.  If you are one of those people commit to the exercises in your TN, make them a priority and you can begin to let go of the things you worry about and create a more peaceful existence, a more positive life that is full of the joy of here and now and not the past or things that will never happen.

This is part one in my series on stress.  Part two will be coming up and we will be talking about the physical symptoms of stress and how to use your TN to address them.

The 2 by 4's of Your Life

Just as a house is built with 2 by 4's, you too have an infrastructure to your life.  Your infrastructure is built on your core values.  Everyone has core values, very few have identified exactly what they are.  Core values guide our choices, help us know when we are making decisions that aren't in alignment with our values and our true north.  Once you have identified what your core values are, you can look at common threads that have run throughout your life and see how they guided you, protected you, helped you succeed and grow.  Knowing what they are is a life affirming action that will show you that you are taking care of yourself and trusting yourself. So how do you identify what they are?  I have a very easy, five minute exercise that will help you figure it out.  We should all have three core values.  In this exercise, you will dowload this document that is just a list of many different core values.  I've listed the most common core values, and some that are not so common.  Once you have the list, I want you to spend a few minutes and circle the twelve (12) most important values to you.  After you have done that, cross off three (3)...I know, not so easy but you can do it.  Now, cross off three more, you can do it!  Now cross off your final three and what you will be left with are your three most important core values.

Core values can change as we grow, mature and have different priorities in our lives.  Maybe in your twenties family was not a core value and now in your 30's it is.  It's ok for your core values to change as you age.  Now that you know what your core values are, you can use them as guideposts, as a gauge for those big life changing decisions you may be faced with, to help you know if what you value most in life will be well served by one choice or another.  Figuring out your core values, as you have learned, is not a complicated thing at all...take the list, share it with family and friends, it will be an easy way to get to know those in your life better!

Ancora Imparo

I have been asked in my workshops by students, 'How do I know when I've arrived...when I've 'fixed' myself.' My answer to that is ancora imparo or 'I am still learning.' We never stop learning, growing or moving forward. The place you think is an ending to a dream or goal is really only the beginning of a new dream or goal. Personally, I think we never arrive. The very reality of being human invites constant learning, growing, changing and evolving. Every moment we are in gives us the opportunity to change anew and alter who we are. Every person we meet irretrievably alters our lives as we take a part of that person with us. When you think you are finished simply say - ancora imparo.

Re-writing Your History

In my workshops I am often asked what the difference is between my emotional wellness philosophy and the twenty zillion other self-help philosophies out there. The cornerstone principle is that all the extra baggage you carry with you i.e. past relationships, failed marriages, addictions, hurts and 'failures' are not experiences and feelings to let go of but to use as building blocks to create the life you want. Face it, all the things I just mentioned - and many more only you know about - are PART of who you are as a human being. If I were to tell you to get rid of these things, I would be telling you to get rid of part of yourself, instantly setting up an adversarial relationship with yourself right at the beginning of your 'self-help' journey - not a very effective way to help someone. Just because a relationship didn't work out doesn't mean it was a failure. Failure is based on a perception of how something should have gone. The negative connotation associated with relationships that fail is based on a very archaic concept that we should meet, mate and stay with that person our whole lives....as kids these days would say - whatever!

Every experience, every memory, every little quirk that is a part of you, makes you who YOU are. So many self-help philosophies want you to 'let go' of those. Can you just let go of a arm or leg that is hurting? What I am asking you to do is take these past experiences, beliefs and memories and make them work for you. Take a different look at them - at what they gave you, at how they changed you and use that information to create what you want in life. A paradigm shift may be called for here if you are always looking at your past very negatively. Negative thoughts and actions breed negativity, positive thoughts and actions breed positive results.

As a little exercise take one experience that you have always looked at in a negative light. This would be an experience that maybe you privately berate yourself for. Write down everything you honestly remember about the experience. If you can't remember some details - don't fill them in with guesses - only write what you know. Next, write what your negative connotations are about the event. Then, I want you to look at what you just wrote and write what you have gained as a result of the experience. Maybe you gained an emotional strength or you had learned to do something you otherwise would not have. Be honest. After writing this all out, keep it somewhere where you can refer back to it. When you are troubled by the memory, pull out what you wrote and read it, add to it if you want, contemplate the event in a positive tone - it may be the first time you have ever done that.

This is a building block to a new life. Every time you take something negative from your past and change your perspective on it, you are in a way re-writing YOUR history truthfully instead of shrouding it in negative perceptions. It is a very powerful exercise that you can do with any negative things in your life. As you go through your past and look at events and memories that you feel have held you back you are laying the foundation of a positive future. You aren't letting go of these things - you are simply incorporating them into who you are now in a positive way. Negative energy sucks the life out of you, positive energy will embolden you and make you see your life in a new light - it will give you gratitude that is unlimited and help you choose joy everyday. What are you waiting for?

Are You Listening?

The reality with which we view the world is filtered by our sense of self esteem. For example, looking at a fashion magazine or maybe a magazine about cars will bring up many negative or unresolved feelings about how we see ourselves fitting in to the world around us. You may feel you are not worthy of a nice car or a particular kind of outfit. It may sound silly but it is true.

Our self esteems are molded in childhood. How we fit in to the world around us was shaped and created by how OTHERS in youth treated us. If you had a particularly traumatic or trying childhood you may have many unresolved self esteem issues. Your 'self' absorbed all the good, bag and ugly you heard about yourself and integrated it in to who you see yourself to be. Self esteem and dysfunction are intimate bedfellows and hard to separate. Does it mean it isn't possible? No! There is a secret undamaged person in every individual. And the first duty of loving yourself is to listen to yourself. Having a damaged self esteem also is not an excuse for bad behavior. We all, for the most part, very easily differentiate between good behavior and what is unacceptable.

Often the damaged part of a self esteem is hurt because of things we now perceive we did not receive as children - let me repeat that. The damaged or hurt part of our inner selves is because of things we now perceive we did not receive as children. Maybe you never got that special bike you wanted and therefore felt unloved. Maybe your father was never home so you did not feel worthy of his love. The good news is this can be undone...we can unwind the clock so to speak. Healing a hurt self is not easy nor is it a one-time process. It can take a long time to repair the damage but persistence and determination are vital to this process.

Here is one of the most powerful exercises I use in my Emotional Wellness workshops and it inevitably brings many tears to many eyes during and after the process.

Write down on a piece of paper or in a journal, in whatever order or way they come to you, the things you wish you had received in your childhood -- and did not. Take 10 minutes to do this exercise. Write whatever comes to mind - whether you believe it now or not... It can be time with a loved one, a thing - what ever it is, how ever many things there are. Do not stop writing.

Once you are done, review your list. You have just written what you should do for yourself now! Any surprises? This simple exercise - and following through with the results, can help to start to connect you with the undamaged child in you and rebuild/create a positive self esteem. This is the singular most powerful exercise I have students do. Did you want a pony, then go find a riding stable and take lessons. Did you want more time with your mother and she is now gone? Sit and write letters to her and have conversations with her on paper. Did you want braces? Go get them. Re-nurture the child in you. Be your own parent and caretaker. Remember I said the first duty of love is to listen? Your inner child is begging for you to listen, provide what is needed and help him or her grow in to the person you now are. Are you listening?