Lessons Learned in My Grief

As some of you may know, my son died last summer and my life froze. It froze in to an existence of trying to figure out how to navigate the world with out part of me here. I have four amazing children and to lose one is to lose part of my heart and soul. That knee jerk reaction is to jump off a cliff to stop the pain, but the afterthought of that thought is that I'll harm my other kids and I don't have a cell in my body capable of purposely ever harming them....so the cliff idea was thrown out.

Without the cliff idea being viable, my next option was to cry, scream, sleep, eat, and eventually fall in to a routine of going to work and going home...occasionally going out with kids or family to remind myself that there was a life out there, I just had to survive long enough to want to reach out for it. 

Grief looks like many things...it's gaining weight because you don't want to leave your home, it's dust bunnies under the furniture because no one comes over so you don't care (and you don't want anyone coming over anyway), it's pushing back sweet memories because the awful ones often follow, it's that awkward awful moment you tell someone about your child and they shudder in horror thinking that kind of tragedy is hitting too close to home., it's the hundreds of times a day some small thing reminds you of the child you lost and you go back a step, it's the tears you hold back when you are around your other children because you want to be the strong one for them. 

Grief is thousands of other things as well - too many to mention. Buried in that grief are lessons learned - that if you survive long enough, you start to see......here are the one's I've learned so far. 

1. People that love you WILL listen if you tell them....anything
2. Crying will not kill you, neither will a broken heart or soul, it will feel like it but you will get to the other side
3. The other side does not mean you feel less of a loss, or love your lost child any less, it means you are finding a new normal without a piece of you
4. That new normal is like having a phantom limb, it's not there but it's always there...my son is there with me in a thousand ways every day
5. Some things you ignore in your grief get screwed up....like my domain for my blog...it expired and I lost it and had to come up with a new one...but it was fixable and is even better (Thank you GoDaddy)
6. Getting up and getting dressed is a step forward every time you do it (and drink a glass of water)
7. Those who haven't lost a child can't really get your pain but they can care and have empathy - don't discount people willing to reach out and support you. Just because they haven't had your loss doesn't mean they are any less a part of your new normal
8. There will be good days and absolutely horrible days, days where you relive the really bad parts. Gradually the good days will out number the bad, and you will wake up feeling like a human who can smile without guilt
9. When someone says they are sorry for your loss, accept that. Often the only thing people can do is apologize because words fail the loss of a child. They aren't being thoughtless, they are offering what they have to give
10. No one needs to understand your journey to have compassion for it, but surround yourself with people who give you the space to make that journey without questioning what it looks like
11. The profound loss of a child gives you crystal clarity about what is really important and what is really precious in this world. That has been the one gift in losing my son, the clarity

My lessons may not be your lessons, but maybe some of them will be helpful. Just believing things will get better, will bring positive energy to your life and will help...believing costs no energy, it's a turn of a thought in a positive direction. It is possibility.

Synergy, serendipity, kismet.....

I love examples of the universe conspiring to make things happen...I thought I would share with you a few that I use as examples in my class when I am talking about following your heart.... At age 35, Harrison Ford was fitting a door for Francis Ford Coppola when a studio executive asked him to take a break and read lines with actresses who were testing for a new film. The film was Star Wars.

Richard Sears was employed as a freight processor.  He bought a shipment of watches that were unclaimed and began selling them up and down the railroad line.  He then began collaborating with Alvah Roebuck, watch repairer…

Eleanor Wilder started writing in 1979 when she was housebound with her two sons as a result of a blizzard.  She never went to college. Her books sell at a rate of 12 an hour, 24/7.  You know her as Nora Roberts

Cyrus McCormick family invented a horse drawn reaper.  Spent 9 years trying to convince farmers to try it .  He went bankrupt in 1837. Sold 1 reaper 2 years later.  Sold 50 4 years later, then advertised it with guarantees and testimonials.  He sold 1000 6 years later. At a World Expo he demonstrated it and harvested 74 yards of wheat in 70 sec. 33 years after starting he made 10 million dollars and started International Harvester .

Wilson “Snowflake” Bentley grew up in Vermont. He was fascinated by snow and studied flakes on a black cloth, others thought he was very strange. His parents were poor farmers. Got his parents to get him a microscope and then a camera he could attach to it.  He invented photomicrography and came up with the theory that no two snowflakes are alike. In his life he documented over 5000 flakes – no two alike.

Brenda Dayne was a life long knitter.  She loved her hobby so much she started the podcast “Cast On”. The podcast was a hobby as well.  Her podcasts are now funded by the government of Great Britain!

I'm Fine..............really..........part 2

Have you ever identified a lie that you tell yourself to justify something in your life that you don't want to change? I'll give you an example. I was a very skinny kid - a rail if you will. When I grew up and started having kids I started putting weight on, just a little at a time but it added up until I found myself at 40 years of age with about 40 extra pounds....a lot for a 5'4" woman. But I always had thin wrists, tiny if you will and I would tell myself I wasn't that overweight because my wrists were so thin. This is an example of telling yourself a lie to justify something you are or aren't doing, in my case to justify not having to confront my weight issue. It sounds silly to say it or even to see it written down but I actually used this ridiculous lie for years to not confront my weight issue. And truthfully, the lie harmed no one but myself. Lies we tell ourselves appear harmless on the outward appearance but they can be life damaging because they keep us in a rut. Ruts can be very comfortable and feel safe when in fact they are holding us back from true joy and success. You may tell yourself lies about your job or the relationship you are in. No one else in your life may even be aware of these lies and you yourself may not be fully cognizant of the lies.

Look at areas in your life that may cause you discomfort or stress. Are you lying to yourself to stay where you are? The lie may make you temporarily feel better about the situation and may make you stop thinking about it for a while but it will pop up again. Confront these lies and lay out the truth of the situation....my wrist size has nothing to do with my overall weight and health. Once you clearly see the truth through the lie you can then write out a plan for change based on the truth - not the lie.

Ancora Imparo

I have been asked in my workshops by students, 'How do I know when I've arrived...when I've 'fixed' myself.' My answer to that is ancora imparo or 'I am still learning.' We never stop learning, growing or moving forward. The place you think is an ending to a dream or goal is really only the beginning of a new dream or goal. Personally, I think we never arrive. The very reality of being human invites constant learning, growing, changing and evolving. Every moment we are in gives us the opportunity to change anew and alter who we are. Every person we meet irretrievably alters our lives as we take a part of that person with us. When you think you are finished simply say - ancora imparo.

Re-writing Your History

In my workshops I am often asked what the difference is between my emotional wellness philosophy and the twenty zillion other self-help philosophies out there. The cornerstone principle is that all the extra baggage you carry with you i.e. past relationships, failed marriages, addictions, hurts and 'failures' are not experiences and feelings to let go of but to use as building blocks to create the life you want. Face it, all the things I just mentioned - and many more only you know about - are PART of who you are as a human being. If I were to tell you to get rid of these things, I would be telling you to get rid of part of yourself, instantly setting up an adversarial relationship with yourself right at the beginning of your 'self-help' journey - not a very effective way to help someone. Just because a relationship didn't work out doesn't mean it was a failure. Failure is based on a perception of how something should have gone. The negative connotation associated with relationships that fail is based on a very archaic concept that we should meet, mate and stay with that person our whole lives....as kids these days would say - whatever!

Every experience, every memory, every little quirk that is a part of you, makes you who YOU are. So many self-help philosophies want you to 'let go' of those. Can you just let go of a arm or leg that is hurting? What I am asking you to do is take these past experiences, beliefs and memories and make them work for you. Take a different look at them - at what they gave you, at how they changed you and use that information to create what you want in life. A paradigm shift may be called for here if you are always looking at your past very negatively. Negative thoughts and actions breed negativity, positive thoughts and actions breed positive results.

As a little exercise take one experience that you have always looked at in a negative light. This would be an experience that maybe you privately berate yourself for. Write down everything you honestly remember about the experience. If you can't remember some details - don't fill them in with guesses - only write what you know. Next, write what your negative connotations are about the event. Then, I want you to look at what you just wrote and write what you have gained as a result of the experience. Maybe you gained an emotional strength or you had learned to do something you otherwise would not have. Be honest. After writing this all out, keep it somewhere where you can refer back to it. When you are troubled by the memory, pull out what you wrote and read it, add to it if you want, contemplate the event in a positive tone - it may be the first time you have ever done that.

This is a building block to a new life. Every time you take something negative from your past and change your perspective on it, you are in a way re-writing YOUR history truthfully instead of shrouding it in negative perceptions. It is a very powerful exercise that you can do with any negative things in your life. As you go through your past and look at events and memories that you feel have held you back you are laying the foundation of a positive future. You aren't letting go of these things - you are simply incorporating them into who you are now in a positive way. Negative energy sucks the life out of you, positive energy will embolden you and make you see your life in a new light - it will give you gratitude that is unlimited and help you choose joy everyday. What are you waiting for?

The Mechanics of Change

When we talk about creating the life you dream of we always have to talk about change because any growth or creation involves changing. Unless you understand how change happens, you are destined to stay where you are. Change is very difficult and takes a long time. It isn't something that happens overnight. Human beings are creatures of habit, structure, and things staying the same all the time. We like life to be predictable and to know what is coming down the pike. When we want something different it throws everything in chaos because now things are unpredictable. What motivates change? Well, fear of dying is not enough motivation. Dr. Dean Ornish, a renown heart Doctor studied what would cause his patients to make fundamental and permanent changes to prolong their lives and fear of dying was not enough motivation! (In fact, 90% of heart patients who have had health crises do not make life saving changes)....Dr. Ornish found that joy rather than fear motivated his patients. Finding joy in life was more likely to cause those life saving changes. He also found that radical changes were more likely to succeed rather than small incremental changes! In fact when he used the above principles a whopping 77% of his patients made changes that positively affected their health.

We know that joy can bring about change. In order to make the changes in your life that are positive you need to be motivated by the joy that will come with the change. You also need to realize that habits take up to eight weeks to form to where the action becomes expected and automatic by your mind and body. If you want to replace an old habit with a new one expect to consciously work on it for about eight weeks. You may need to put reminder notes around your house or work area. Just remember, putting joy first in your life and using that as a motivation is the most successful way you can succeed. Joy feeds your soul and makes life worth living.